


If I know what love is, It's because of you.

by safedescent



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Feelings, Insecurities, clary is a supportive girlfriend, clary loves maia, maia loves clary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:02:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21716473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/safedescent/pseuds/safedescent
Summary: Life has been hard to Maia. In the midst of everything it's thrown at her, she's learned to survive. Now, though, she worries that maybe the tactics that let her get through some of the worst moment of her life, have made her too distant, and that maybe she can't be what Clary needs. Thankfully, Clary is there to tell her otherwise.Maia and Clary's six month anniversary is here. Though their relationship is going well, Maia's past has been getting to her, and her insecurities about the relationship lead to a much needed conversation.
Relationships: Clary Fray/Maia Roberts, claia - Relationship
Kudos: 4
Collections: shadowhunters sapphic ficathon





	If I know what love is, It's because of you.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm in the middle of finals, but when I saw the #shsapphicficathon prompt I just reallyyyy wanted to do something because I hate how little f/f there is. Also I love Maia and I always wished we got more depth to her character. This is my take on some of the things she would've been dealing with because of her past relationships and stuff. Because having your first love betray you and then disappear, then having to leave your family, then dealing with becoming a werewolf, and then finally opening your heart again only to have Simon be a dick about her trying to take time for herself, is a LOT to deal with and that's not even all of the things the writers threw at her.  
So yeah, I wrote this, where Clary gets to be the girlfriend Maia deserves. 
> 
> not beta read, so sorry for errors or if it's not great, I really just knew if I didn't post it now I never would. 
> 
> This is like mostly cannon, but deviates from it somewhere in 3B. Like, pretend they defeated Jonathon but Clary didn't lose her memories...instead she came to her senses and broke up with Jace. Also let's pretend Kyle and her making amends wasn't a thing because fuck that story line.

Tomorrow, it’ll be six months since Maia started dating Clary. Six months that have given Maia some of her happiest memories since childhood. Dating Clary Fray has been refreshing and light, but it’s also been filled with the trekking of uncharted territory. Clary isn’t like anyone Maia has ever dated. She came into the relationship, already armed. Nursing insecurities left by Kyle and an aching disappointment left by Simon. In all honestly, Maia never expected to become as attached to Clary as she has, but here she is, wandering around New York in the cold of December, trying to figure out what to get Clary to celebrate this milestone in their relationship. It’s not for lack of caring, that Maia has left shopping until the day before. She’s been overthinking what to get her for the last two weeks, since Clary suggested that they stay in and have a romantic dinner to celebrate.

Maia makes her first stop, into a jewelry store, more to get out of the cold than because she really wants to get Clary jewelry. With Christmas not that far away, there’s a decent crowd inside, and Maia finds her way to an opening in a necklace section. There’s a wide variety of choices, with different stones, both silver and gold chains. Maia notices a gold one, with a teardrop-shaped pearl, that she thinks would be especially fitting to Clary. It should be a decent option, but as Maia stares at it, she can’t help but think about how impersonal it feels. How impersonal all the rows of gems and stones in front of her look. Clary is an expert at expressing herself, though most notably in her art, also in life. The thought of giving Clary something that could’ve just as easily been picked out by a stranger makes Maia’s stomach knot with inadequacy. That and the price tag she sees carrying way more numbers than she expected, is enough for Maia to leave the store, anxiously weaving through people until she’s back on the street.

Maia makes it to two more stores with no luck before ending up in a two-story Macy’s. It feels like an embarrassing place to be, but Maia’s hoping that maybe she’ll come across something in the utility department store, or _at least_ get inspiration. She passes through the jewelry section again, just in case something cates her eye, but quickly moves on. Through the perfume section, through the clothes section. She pauses by the lingerie section, but ultimately decides that’s not the direction she wants to go with this.

There’s a lot Maia wants to say with this gift. Feels she _needs_ to say with this gift. Maia’s been told that she’s not the most expressive person and she just wants to be able to give Clary something that’ll show how much she cares. It’s been over an hour of aimless shopping though, and as Maia listlessly makes her way into the Home department, she can’t help feeling dejected. Among, rows of goods, she’s pulled over to kitchen section by memories of Clary and her baking. It’s become a common date-night of theirs to attempt recreations of fancy recipes or obscure pastries that they’ve never heard of. It usually ends up looking nothing like the glamorous photos from the internet, but the good thing about baking is that with base ingredients like butter and sugar, even if it ends up being a lump on a baking tray, it usually tastes okay. Maia smiles at the memory of a particular night where they’d tried to make a toffee _amuse bouche_. They’d uncorked a bottle of wine to sip at while the worked, but as they struggled to get through the recipe, every time something seemed too hard or an instruction didn’t make sense, they’d take a generous sip, and by the end of it they’d ended up on the floor, tipsy, with tears streaming down their face from laughter, and shamelessly making bad attempts at French pick-up lines, while trying to feed each other the pitiful end result.

Feeling like this is something a little more personal to their relationship, Maia scans the shelves, and picks out a couple of baking items. She gets a sifter, because it’s one of the things that’s always instructed to be used in a recipe but that they ever have, and gets some piping bags with an assortment of different tips, that she thinks Clary will enjoy using to decorate with. It’s not _enough_, but it feels like a pretty good place to start, so Maia pays and leaves the store feeling a little more energized in her mission.

The next place Maia decides to go to is a bookstore. She initially, stops at the baking section again, thinking she could actually get a recipe book to go with the other items, but decides against it. Having the whole gift be about baking seems like an overload, and it’s not as though Clary has this great passion for baking. Instead Maia searches the art section. Clary posts on her Instagram about being inspired by other artists all the time, so surely she’d appreciate something like this. The first handful of books Maia picks out all seem lackluster. European art has always bored her. Though she knows Clary doesn’t share the same sentiment, she can’t find it in herself to give any of the books enough attention to decide whether Clary would like them or not. Almost half an hour gets eaten up by Maia perusing the fiction section, but she has no luck there either. Feeling stiff and tired, Maia pulls out her phone to check the time. It’s already 5:28, which means its dark and Maia can’t help but sigh at realizing she’s going to have to take public transportation in the dark. Determined to find something here and make it the last stop, Maia goes back to the art section. It’s there she finds a book of contemporary art. The colors are vibrant, and the pieces are full of surreal human depictions. Some have flowers for teeth, some have no hands, there’s one where the woman’s hair turns to raindrops. It reminds Maia of Clary, though it’s not her typical art style. Maia’s unsure if it’s good enough, but she really is worn of shopping and it seems like a good idea so she checks out quickly, stopping to grab a gift bag, and then makes her way home, feeling a little more at ease about the next day. 

* * *

Clary is supposed to come over to Maia’s apartment at 6pm. Maia manages to make it to 4:58 before she succumbs to her nerves. She’s sitting on her bed, her presents for Clary laid out in front of her and next thing she knows she’s crying. It seems so stupid now, looking at the generic baking items and the book. It’s not romantic or intimate. It’s so generic, what was she thinking. She doesn’t think she can do this anymore. Clary doesn’t deserve someone like her. Clary probably isn’t even that serious about the relationship. And how could she be, Maia thinks hopelessly. She’s always hiding herself away. Isn’t that what Simon said when they grew apart. That she doesn’t know how to cope with others around. There’s been a lot of good in the last six months but now all Maia can think about is all the times she took hours to respond to Clary’s texts, or the times she lied and said she couldn’t go out when really she was just home in bed. Maia wishes she wasn’t like this, but she doesn’t know how not to be. After she left home, after everything with Kyle, she’d only had herself. Getting over the confusion, the anger, the heartbreak, the hopelessness—she’d done that by herself. Sure, she’d eventually found her pack, but the time in between had been gruesome. And even after joining the pack it wasn’t as if they were a touchy-feely kind of group. Though they gave her company and a home, she’d still been left to piece herself back together and figure out who she was going to be from there on out. That kind of self-restoration, though empowering, isolates a person. And while Maia wishes she was better at sharing, rather than fleeing, when times get hard or when the past creeps up to haunt her, she can’t break the instinct to retreat to solitude for self-preservation. Clary doesn’t deserve someone like that.

Maia’s phone pings with a text from Clary. It says she’s on her way, punctuated with several hearts and kissy faces. Maia lets out a shaky breath. This isn’t the time for this. She shoves everything on her bed back into the gift bag and wipes at her eyes. She needs to get it together, Clary’s going to be here soon, whatever happens, happens, and she’ll just have to deal with it as it comes. Right now, she needs to start getting the food ready.

* * *

“Hello, my love!” Maia barely has the door open all the way before Clary’s pulling her in for a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. It’s soft and warm and Maia just wants to pull her close and hold her tight in place of all the things she can’t seem to get across. Instead, she gives her a quick kiss and holds her face in her hands, just for a second, before backing up, letting her into the apartment, and turning to go to the kitchen where she was almost done with dinner.

“Hey, I was just getting everything out—” Clary tugs her arm with more force than you’d expect from someone her size and next thing Maia knows she’s being swung back into Clary’s arms. Clary grins up at her and Maia can’t help but smile back at the way her eyes shine.

“I don’t think that was a good enough welcome for today,” She says before leaning into to capture Maia’s lips in a loving kiss. Maia feels her body lose some of its tension as she winds her arms around Clary’s waist and keeps her close. Just as Maia starts to forget all about her concerns from earlier Clary, pulls away.

“We’ll save more of that for after dinner” She says grabbing both of Maia’s hands and intertwining their fingers. She pulls her along to the kitchen, but before they enter, pauses to look at Maia. She pulls one of her hands away to place it along Maia’s cheek, and Maia thinks she sees a look of concern pass over Clary’s features. For a moment, Maia is worried her eyes are still puffy from crying, despite her holding ice cubes on them while scolding herself for getting so worked up. But the look is quickly replaced with a smile, and if Clary does noticed anything, she doesn’t say.

The night goes well, and for a while, Maia even forgets her meltdown from earlier. The atmosphere is slightly broken though, when Clary mentions that she wants to give Maia her gift now. Unease settles back in Maia’s stomach, but she tries not to let it taking hold, offering a smile to Clary.

“Yeah, um I have something for you too, hold on.” She quickly retrieves the bag, and offering Clary a small smile, sits back on the couch, folding her legs up in front of her and placing the bag in between them. Clary seemed to be having none of the distance, and as she grabbed the bag, maneuvers around Maia’s legs, until she’s situated in her lap.

“Wow! This bag is so big, what did you even get me?!” Maia opens her mouth to make a comment about how it really isn’t anything special, but Clary is already the throwing tissue paper on the floor.

“Oh my god!” Clary lets out a gasp and pulls out the baking items with a laugh.

“Wow, now we can be like real professionals! Okay, wait, we should try that cake again, the sponge one, because I swear it’ll work if we can sift the flour, we literally followed all the other instructions, so that had to be it.” Maia just grins at her.

“And these. . .” Clary says holding up the piping bags.

“Yeah I thought they’d make it easier for you to decorate cakes with, since, ya know, cutting a hole at the end of a plastic ziplog didn’t really work.”

Clary hums in agreement before giving Maia a suggestive look.

“That’s true. . .but I could think of something else I could decorate with these.”

It takes Maia a second to catch on to what Clary means, but then she’s laughing.

“Oh my god, no Clary”

“What, you know I have a sweet tooth” Maia laughs again, and then just pushes the bag back to Clary.

“There’s one more thing in there.”

Clary pulls out the book, and stares at the cover for a moment before flipping through some of the pages.

“Wow, these are so cool” She pauses and gives Maia a smile before goes back to looking at the pages.

“Ya know, I always have trouble with making surrealistic drawings. I don’t know why but it’s just hard for me to mix realistic and unrealistic aspects, I guess.”

“Ooo I love this one!” She says turning so Maia can see. Maia smiles and nods, but she feels that gnawing in her stomach again. She watches Clary go through the pages, making little comments. There’s a lump forming in her throat. She doesn’t want to make a mistake with Clary, she has to at least try.

“ umm. . .there’s. . . something else I wanted to say” Clary looks up at Maia.

“Yeah?” Clary says, mild concern showing in the way her eyebrows pull together.

“I just, um, look I know I’m not the greatest at this—being in a relationship. And I just wanted to say I’m sorry,” Maia pauses as she chokes on the word a little, already feeling the pressure of tears build in her eyes. Clary opens her mouth, but Maia starts again, desperate to get it all out now that she’s started.

“I know that I don’t always talk to you about what’s going on in my head, or what I’m feeling. . .but you mean a lot to me, and I. . .I promise I’m trying. It’s hard for me to not want to close myself off, when things go wrong, but—”

“Maia,” Clary cuts her off, wrapping an arm around her neck.

“Just stop for a second, okay? Where’s all this coming from.”

“I just—I don’t want you to think I’m not invested in this.”

“I don’t think that Maia.” Clary says brushing the back of her neck softly.

“No, but you don’t get it. I just—I don’t tell you things. Sometimes I don’t want to”

“Maia you don’t have to-"

“But you’re my girlfriend I should be able to talk to you."

“Maia!” Clary cuts in. She’s a gentle person by nature, but when it comes down to it, she’s ready to demand attention when it’s needed. She knows Maia needs something softer though, so she takes a breath to center herself, and then cups Maia’s face, gently, making sure Maia looks at her. She wants her to see that what she’s saying is genuine.

“I don’t know what brought all this up, but if I did something to make you feel like this, I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean to.”

Maia lets out a breath and tugs her lip between her teeth, cautious about sharing what she wants to say next.

“I just, I don’t have the best track record with relationships. Obviously, the whole thing with Kyle was a mess, but with Simon, I mean I just messed that up. I don’t want that to happen again.”

“Ya know,” Clary pauses to trace up and down Maia’s cheekbone with her thumb.

“Simon is my best friend, but I have no reservations in saying that he didn’t deserve you. Honestly, I don’t even know if I deserve you”

Maia lets out a choked laugh of disbelief.

“How can you even say that? Clary, you’re like, the most caring person I’ve ever met. You’re _amazing._ And you’re always there, you never back away.”

“You don’t either Maia. How many times have I seen you step in to help the pack, or take matters into your own hands, because people aren’t doing the right thing.”

“But that’s exactly it. I do things my own way. And I know that that doesn’t always work out well, when there’s other people who can be impacted by my choices. And sometimes. . .I just feel like I’ll never be able to be open again. Like, I just can’t do it.” Maia says, and she has to pause because she’s trying hard not to let the tears build in her eyes.

“You’re always so giving with me Clary, and you always tell me what’s going on with you. And I want to do that too, but, it’s just, I don’t know how to do that anymore. I’ve spent too long just dealing with everything myself, that, I can’t.”

“Maia, you don’t have to always tell me every little thing you’re feeling. I want you to know that you can come to me, for whatever you need, but it’s not an obligation of this relationship that you always share what’s going on in your head.”

“Communication is important in a relationship. I know that. I don’t want to be the weak link. Just because I’m not used to sharing my feelings.”

“I don’t always share everything either you know. I mean, I guess maybe I’m more inclined to tell people when somethings bothering me, but I have my art, and sometimes I don’t want to talk to anyone, I’ll just draw or paint, and get out my emotions that way.”

“I guess, I never really thought about that. . . I just don’t want you to think I’m not invested in this, that I don’t love you.”

“I know you are and I know you do. You show me that in so many ways Maia. ” Maia feels the uncertainty cling to her. Clary is here, as steady and grounding as always, but Maia still feels unsure.

“Not like you though,” Maia whispers. Clary shakes her head a little in protest to that statement.

“Ya know, you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. I think it’s incredible, how much you put up with, how much you can handle on your own.”

“I just have so much stuff that weighs on me. I don’t know if I can get past it.”

Clary looks at the face of the woman she’s grown to love over the last few months. She’s known for a while that Maia had more beneath the hard, sarcastic exterior she saw when they first met, but this confirms some of her worries and simultaneously breaks her heart. The thing with Maia, is that she thrives on actions. She always does what’s right, she has no problem going against the flow, when she can tie it back to her morals or beliefs. She’s the first to speak up when something’s wrong, she’ll call out anyone, but when it comes to herself, she’s always less sure, almost like she thinks she’s not worth it. Clary wants nothing more than to fix that, but she knows it’s not something that can easily be erased. Like everything in life, it’ll have to be worked at in small steps.

“Ya know, when I first met you, I thought you were the most self-assured person. You seemed like you always knew exactly what you wanted to do. And, I think, that that’s actually true. You have no trouble doing what’s right, and fighting for others, for your pack, for justice. But for some reason, you seem to have trouble fighting for yourself. But you’re worth that Maia. It’s going to take time to work through everything. But there’s no rush. And we might heal together, or you might heal all on your own. I have stuff too ya know. This isn’t about getting better in a hurry so we can be in some hypothetical, “perfect” relationship. It’s not about trying to get rid of our pasts. I don’t need you to be a perfect version of yourself for me to want to be with you, or to be happy in this relationship. If there’s one thing I’ve learned since being introduced to the shadow world, it’s that life sucks. And it’ll probably always suck, in one way or another. But it’s about being together through that. Because we love each other and make each other happy, despite everything else.”

Maia doesn’t really know what to say to that, she settles for, “I love you”

“I love you too Maia.”

“Thank you, for loving me.”

“If I know what love is, it’s because of you.” That takes the last of Maia’s reservations. She lets go, feels the tears break from her eyes. She pulls Clary in, kisses her hard, wrapping her up in her arms, and holding her, like Clary said, through everything around them.

It’s just one conversation. It can’t take away years of habits and ways of thinking. But it’s enough for today. Enough to make Maia think that this thing her and Clary have, it’ll last. 

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what you think!
> 
> twitter: @malecmonday


End file.
